The Pain Monster

Over the past few months I’ve been getting to be really good friends with the Pain Monster.  I’ve felt it’s keen edge and embraced the power of it’s presence.  I’ve opened up to the teaching in the pain, the lessons, the recovery, the strength, and overall, the acceptance of the flow of my life.  I’ve learned to lean into the pain as its teeth cut deeply into my heart and soul knowing that whatever was being destroyed will be reborn so much stronger.

I lost my job, I lost my mother, I lost savings, I lost my romantic relationship, I was betrayed thrice over, and watched a loved one spiral into madness and attempt suicide.  This is a lot to experience and a lot to just be with.  I’ve seen sides of myself I didn’t know were there – both good and bad, I saw the contrast in myself. And as I watched these emotions rise to the surface and counted them one by one, I realized that these things were not happening to me or because of me.  They were happening around me.  I was in the eye of the hurricane.  Or at least I was supposed to be there.  I had allowed my self to wander into the fray and get pulled into the drama of human reaction.  I saw that my pain, as real and as powerful as it was, was optional.  It was optional because it was born of my resistance to the changes that were happening in my life.  I resisted the losses, as I thought I was being robbed; I resisted that I was growing because I thought I was failing; I resisted my own evolution because I did not see it for what it was.  And the pain came sharp and keen, to bring me back to myself.  I had asked for a miraculous life change, I had asked to be deliriously happy, and when the Universe handed me my wishes on a silver platter, I recoiled.  I was the butterfly in the cocoon – but I had learned to love the cocoon, and it was stifling me.  My personal cocoon was a relationship that no longer served me, friends who weren’t, a job that I wasn’t passionate about and various other illusions of things I thought I “needed” to be happy, whole and fulfilled.  I was being shown the error of my ways, and I as I resisted the lesson, the pain came.

But why would I want to move through the pain?  Why wouldn’t I just want to numb it, ignore it or blame someone else for it?  Why would I embrace it and lean into it like an old friend?  Because there is no resolution in hoping the pain will go away, no closure, no learning, no beauty.  Once we open ourselves to the experience of the pain, we must process it.  There is no growth, no evolution, no enlightenment without change.  Notice here, I said change and not pain.

We don’t hear that in our world today where freedom is just a Big Mac or a Valium away.  Reaching for those quick fixes is what gets us stuck in the pattern of trauma, drama, pain, repeat.  We need to extricate ourselves from that cycle to find true freedom.  We are chained to the pain cycle, hooked on the thrill of our own self-persecution.

Without exception, people act out in destructive behavior against themselves and others because of their own pain, and more specifically, the fear of that pain.  People numb themselves with food, alcohol, drugs or sex to escape.  At times, the emotional pain becomes so much, that we feel we must mask it or defeat it with physical pain.

The perception is that the pain is the result of what has been done to us by others, and we are the victims of their cruelty.  Whether from actual trauma or perceived trauma, we lodge the pain, unprocessed, in our bodies.  The reality is that these events did happen, but we can choose to see them for what they are and embrace them, or resist them and suffer until we realize that the pain of acceptance is far less than the pain of resistance.  In fact, there is surprisingly little pain in acceptance.

I won’t tell you that these realizations came easily or that they removed me from the process somehow.  But I will tell you that now it is easier.  Now I am an observer of the pain, and not a participant in its drama.  I can integrate these lessons and changes into my life and, I hope, weather future storms with more grace, acceptance and love.   We can choose to get out of the pain cycle at any time.  It is ultimately our choice. When I was stuck in the pain cycle, I craved the light at the end of the tunnel, but once I realized I WAS the light, I realized was at the end of the tunnel.

In love and light

–h

The Resistance/Acceptance Cycle

Serenity

Quan Yin

Mu Returns

Mu has been conspicuously absent in my spiritual life until very recently.  I saw him at the edge of my consciousness when I meditated.  I felt him shepherd me from afar.  I knew he was there.  But he had been distant.  At first I felt abandoned; why has my teacher left me?  Why has he made me fight through these trials alone and unsupported?  Pretty childish attitude, isn’t it?  And in a way I was very much the wounded child.  I was suffering through the sudden loss of my mother, which forced me to relive my entire ontogeny, from infancy to adulthood.  I literally needed to relearn aspects of myself in a new motherless context, as I am now a “motherless child.”  This sounds far more grave than it really is.  In many ways, the loss of a parent is the final act of growing up.  This final act, I was not prepared to face, though, and I flailed around for the better part of  month trying to find the horizon and claim a new normalcy for my life.  This was a path and an experience I had to walk alone.  I know that now.  And in that understanding, Mu has returned, rather smugly, to lead me (and you) down a lighted path.  Thank you, Mu.

Mu Returns

Beloveds,

You are experiencing expansion and a shift in consciousness. As you allow your perspective to broaden, the mechanisms of existence will at once become clear and fall away  to allow your being to experience the actions of love more fully.  As you broaden your consciousness, your capacity to express love and inner joy (the inner you) also expands. Allow this inner light and love to breathe. This is the most natural expression of yourself. Embrace any fear you feel at this time. These are only the expressions of an old energy and thought pattern that cling to your consciousness like tar. Shine your positive intention on these dark spaces. More fully into self-expression.

Do not intellectualize, judge or categorize this process. It is like no other; just as you are like no other. Experience the freedom of your uniqueness, experience the joy. I love you dear ones. Know that our souls are not strangers.

Lighten up!

One of the common themes of almost any reading I do comes from some variation of the following question: “How can I be more spiritual?”

I know that many of you will be surprised to hear this, but you’re probably already doing it.  Really.  Moving to a more spiritual existence means moving towards your highest joy and the highest expression of yourself.  So unless becoming a hermit and meditating on a mountain top for the next twenty-odd years is really the best You that You can be, you don’t need to.  Many people mistake reverence and seriousness with a spiritual experience, but it doesn’t always need to be that way.  In fact, I would argue that some of the most spiritual people don’t even know that they are spiritual.  They’re just having fun.  They’re just being them and moving to their highest joy.  That’s it!  That’s the big secret! Lighten up and just be you. That is all that God wants from you.  You are existing as a spiritual being by simply existing in joy.  Are you disappointed?  I hope not; I hope you’re ecstatic.

If you ever start to take things too seriously, ponder the following:

You, right now, are reading this and sitting on a gigantic ball of molten rock that is spinning wildly and whirling through the vacuum of space around another humungous ball of flaming gas all the while not getting smashed to smithereens by other bits of flying rocks and space junk.  That’s a miracle.  It really is.  Its also ridiculous.  The improbability and audacity of this experience should be enough to snap you out of that new age-y funk you probably find yourself in after reading too much Tolle  (whom I love, by the way, but come on, he can feel a little heavy).

So just be yourself, and leave the heavy lifting to Heavenly bodies.  You’re inner joy is as spiritual as you need to be.  I promise.

–love and light, heather.

Enlightenment Over Greek Food – How I learned to get out of my head

 

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I’m not as smart as I think I am and from time to time I still need to be beaten over the head with the most simple of concepts.

The case in point here is the experience I had this weekend while attending the Landmark Forum. First I want to address the Forum itself. In a word, it’s amazing. You will have a love/hate relationship with it until 7 pm on the last day, but really, you need to go anyway. Thats how amazing the last three hours are. The preceding 36 hours are preamble, but necessary in order to get the punch line at the end.

I sat through the preamble throughly enjoying the human drama I was inflicting on my life under the auspices of coming clean about what a jerk I’ve been to the people in my life.  And really, I was a jerk to all of those people, especially my mom. But the drama was addicting and necessary to understand how unnecessary it all really is. Truly. And that was part of the joke. Hang on, I’m getting there.

Now, I read a lot. Incessantly, actually. Nearly every new age spirituality book tells me that the meaning if life is that there is no meaning of life. Either we are making it up, or we’re just energy expressing itself, or we are all just light and information.  Any way you slice it, there’s a whole lot of nothing around here. You would have thought I would have gotten that. But I didn’t. I intellectualized this information along with everything else. Just like I had intellectualized people, my diet and every New Year’s resolution I had ever made. This intellectualization diminished the impact that anything would have on me.  It was as if compartmentalizing things could render them safe and entirely mutable.

As we neared the last phase of the Forum, the “good part,” I was excited.  The ramp-up to that moment was exhilarating, and I was ready to find out why I had spent three days sitting in the world’s most uncomfortable chair.  And here it is: Life is empty and meaningless, and the fact that it’s empty and meaningless is empty and meaningless.  Huh?  I knew that. I had read it hundreds of times before – this world is an illusion, a figment, anything we make it.  So why did I just spend $500 and three days of my life just to get to this point?

To say I was annoyed was an understatement.  At the break I marched up to the Forum leader and proclaimed, “I don’t get it.”  I was near tears and feeling a burgeoning sense of futility.  The Forum leader just smiled knowingly and handed me off to another participant to assist me in sorting out my frustration.  So why was I so frustrated?  Because I was operating under the delusion that it was anticlimactic.  How arrogant of me.  And yet there I was standing firm in my place of know-it-all-ness.  As I poured out my frustrations to my new friends over gyros and hummus, one of them turned to me and said, “I get that you get it. But don’t you see that ‘anticlimactic’ is an illusion?”  I still don’t know what it was about that particular combination of words that was so magical, but I broke down laughing and crying all at the same time.   My arrogance was a blindspot for me, and I was viewing the world through that veil.  I had no idea what a presumptuous smarty pants I had been up until that point.  That was the joke, and it had set me free. In no way am I perfect, but I feel as though I am closer to leading a life free of juvenile constraints I’ve put on myself as a defense mechanism. And that was worth the cost of the Forum.

Staying, Chapter 7 – Animal Souls

 

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Humans have long revered animal spirits. The earliest petroglyphs depict humans interacting with animals, not only for basic survival needs (hunting for food or furs), but to represent the spiritual experiences of shamans. Indigenous peoples all over the world worship animals for their physical traits and roles in the spiritual world. In some native North American cultures, for example, the bear is worshipped for its strength and knowledge. Ancient Celtic cultures also worshipped the bear as the primal mother, or Bear Goddess. Some animals, like the owl, are seen as omens or bearers of truth.

Our western culture has removed the mysticism and reverence of the natural world and replaced it with fear. Now, instead of embracing natural systems as a part of ourselves, our culture seeks to subjugate and control it. Often using chemicals or simply denuding the landscape so that it will no longer support wildlife. Human habitat and wildlife habitat are now considered to be mutually exclusive and are increasingly forced against each other, often with disastrous results for both parties. Reverence is replaced by feelings of danger, worship with persecution.

Yet, still wildlife captures our imagination. Watching wildlife becomes fascinating for many when they encounter it. As a park ranger, I’ve seen traffic accidents occur as people jostle to get a picture of a deer. We have a fascination with zoos, animal-centric TV shows, and dancing penguins. It is an interesting juxtaposition; wildlife is fascinating, as long as it doesn’t get too close.

But there is a loophole of sorts. We have our pets. Some of the deepest, most transcendent relationships in our lives are with our pets. They touch our souls and fill our lives with unconditional love. These relationships are iconic and timeless. Animal souls and human souls intertwine in life, and occasionally they do in death. Animal souls can remain on the Earth plane just as human spirits can, although they we needn’t worry that they are trapped here. They often remain on, or return to, the earth plane to be near their loved ones, as my beloved cat, Shadow, had done.

Animal Communication

For as long as I’ve been alive, I’ve been in the company of animals. Cats, dogs, birds and horses were constant companions. In fact, some of the first psychic communication I began to receive was from animals. While riding horses, I found that they can be especially chatty. The herd mentality of prey animals is to be as communicative as possible in order to thwart an attack from predators. Herd animals, like all animals, tend to communicate through mental images and emotion, however herd animals feel like they are chatting constantly, the herd completely linked. Predators, such cats and dogs, on the other hand feel to me like they are communicating in succinct bursts, like transmitting an impulse of thought. Different animal communicators may have had other experiences in their work, but this is how the communication with animals works for me.

Since animals don’t use human language to communicate, we cannot expect them to communicate this way. If you are attempting to talk to your pet, first be open to what they are naturally trying to tell you through their body language. Feel the energy of what they are saying. When you tune into their energy this way you can then “hear” more of their communiqué. You may see pictures in your mind’s eye or feel their emotion through your heart chakra. Allow this process to develop naturally.

Shadow’s Story

When I was in college, I did everything I could to establish myself as an “adult.” For me adult-ness meant having my own apartment, my own car, a full-time job and a full-time course load at the University of California at Davis. To complete the picture, I adopted a cat named Shadow. But from the beginning, I knew something was wrong with him. He was prone to awful coughing fits and spasms. I later learned he had a herniated diaphragm, the result of trauma he sustained early in life. None of that mattered, though. We were deeply in love with each other. We went through three moves, several jobs and eventually adopted two new kittens to round out our little family.

Then one summer, during a particularly severe heat wave, I began to noticed that the normally rotund Shadow was losing weight quickly. At first I thought it was the severe heat, but a trip to the vet confirmed the worst – Shadow had an aggressive strain of oral cancer and he didn’t have much time left. There wasn’t anything left for me to do, except take him home and let him tell me when he was ready to go. Early the next morning, Shadow died in my arms. I was completely devastated; it felt like a piece of my heart had died with Shadow.

Over time, the pain subsided, and I moved on, got another degree, a house and a career. And then I got Floyd. My sister, who knew I was looking for another cat, found a small, rambunctious orange tabby at the local animal shelter where she worked. I went down to meet him and I knew he was meant to live with me.

From the very beginning I knew that Floyd was special. He was a spunky orange kitten, and although I had two other cats and a dog, the bond between Floyd and me was unmistakable. We were inseparable from the day I brought him home. As time went on, I began to notice something very, very familiar about him. Then it dawned on me, Floyd had the same mannerisms as Shadow had. The meow they each used to get my attention, the way they slept next to my head at night, the way they played with their food. It was all the same. And then I realized, Shadow came back to me; his soul was in Floyd’s body.

This was an amazing realization for me. Not only had Shadow reincarnated, but had reincarnated specifically to find me again. It was as thought our souls had called out to each other to be reunited.

For those of you who have lost a beloved pet, you should know that it is absolutely possible to be reunited with your pet in life. Be prepared, however, they may not take on a form you would immediately recognize. I have heard stories similar to my own, one in particular where a woman found her beloved thoroughbred gelding had reincarnated as a small gray pony.

If you don’t find your pet again in life, do not give up hope of “seeing” your pet again. Animal spirits can stay near their human companions after death. My mother’s house currently plays host to all of her feline companions, both living and dead. Pets even come up during readings wishing to express their happiness and love for their people.

The love we get from our pets is unconditional and lasting. The bond between us transcends the physical world and gives us insight into the very fabric of existence. Pease don’t take that love or their presence in your life for granted. If you feel called to do so, I urge you go adopt one of these precious souls at your local animal shelter.

Spiritual Readings with Indigo Paths Radio 11/30 by HeatherIndigoLight | Blog Talk Radio

This was a fabulous show!  Thanks to all of you who honored me with your calls and presence in the chat room!

 

Spiritual Readings with Indigo Paths Radio 11/30 by HeatherIndigoLight | Blog Talk Radio.

 

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Staying: Chapter 6 – Celeste

 

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This chapter in “Staying” follows my first missing person’s case and lets us see the remarkable perseverance of the human soul.  The names have been changed and all pertinent personal information has been redacted to preserve both the integrity of the ongoing imvestigation and the family’s privacy.  I should also mention that I am NOT currently accepting any other such cases.  

Staying: Chapter 6 – Celeste

Nothing in my time as a psychic prepared me for the phone call I got one day from my mentor and colleague, Julie. Julie had been working on a missing person’s case and, after nearly nine months of work, she needed a fresh perspective on the case and its details. I had never worked on something with so much at stake and I was very worried that I would give the family some kind of false hope or steer them down the wrong path, at the very least and waste the time of law enforcement at the worst. Truly, the idea of helping Julie terrified me. But the family was desperate for answers and I was (somewhat) assuaged by the fact that Julie was already working with them. I agreed and Julie gave me the details.

In 2007, Celeste* disappeared from her home leaving behind her children and husband. For all intents and purposes, she vanished without a trace. By all accounts, Celeste was the perfect mother and devoted wife; her disappearance was entirely out of character. Her husband, Frank*, not surprisingly, was placed squarely at the top of the suspect list. Despite Frank’s prominence within the community, there was a laundry list of reasons he was their prime suspect, not the least of which was the fact that his previous wives had met accidental and untimely deaths. Celeste’s family was searching for any information that would lead to the conviction of her killer and the recovery of her remains. I was to be part of a team of three other psychic mediums who would combine energy to attempt to bring forward information that would provide closure to Celeste’s family.

Since this was new territory for me, I didn’t know what to expect. It turns I didn’t have to wonder for very long. A few days prior to our scheduled meeting, Celeste visited me in the middle of the night, waking me from a sound sleep. She began giving me information about her manner of death, where her body was and the individuals involved in her disappearance. The information she was giving me was profound and incredibly detailed. I struggled to keep up with her and frantically tried to write down everything she was showing me. The more I sat there, the more it dawned on me – I wasn’t asking for this information, she was actively communicating with me. I don’t really know why I was so surprised by this; spirits actively communicate with me all the time. But the fact that she was reaching out and seeking help in the apprehension of her killer struck me as poignant. Even in death, she realized that the injustice had not only been done to her, but to her children and her family. She was speaking out for them and to bring them closure. This was profound for me. Not only did this posthumous action speak to her character, but to the determination of the human soul and the possibility that even in death, we can still have a voice and be a force for justice.

I need to mention here that this is not an exact science. Since I am working to bring information forth from someone who has died, I can’t get more precise information other than what they tell me. This means that just because we die, we do not automatically get all the knowledge of the Universe. Celeste could give me details of where she was and what happened to her, but only from her perspective. As it turns out, her recollection was incredibly good and the information she gave me was verified by her family.

Several nights after our midnight conversation, I met with the rest of the group to begin our work together. I wasn’t too surprised to learn that Celeste had been visiting with the other members of the group, as well. This allowed us to corroborate our information with one another and also to deepen our connection to the details of the case. At that point there was no going back, and we were just as committed to justice as she was. As the evening wore on, we moved from Celeste’s experience to the experience of her killer and I found myself delving ever deeper into the psyche of the man who killed her, learning that this man was undoubtedly her husband. The details that began to emerge were grisly and I began to get the feeling that Celeste was not the only victim. In fact, the longer I spent inside Frank’s energy, the more victims I found. All told, there were five women whom he had slain during his grisly career. Frank wasn’t just a murderer, he was a serial killer. These first few victims were invisible, most likely prostitutes, but definitely murdered as a part of a sadistic game – Frank enjoyed the chase as much as the kill. He was also too egotistical to think he would ever get caught, which is why he also victimized his wives. After a few hours of walking around inside the mind of a serial killer, I was exhausted. The other members of the group weren’t doing much better; this had been truly taxing work. Our psychic think tank had been able to validate each others’ visions and could also independently corroborate the work that had been done previously by Julie.

Frank’s ego ultimately did him in. Women were disposable to him, including his wives. The longer he went without getting caught, the bolder he got and the more it reinforced his superiority complex. He thought he was too smart to get caught. But he did. His sadistic game was unearthed by law enforcement and he was eventually convicted in the death of one of his first victims.

Currently, there is not enough physical evidence to convict Frank in Celeste’s death. Unfortunately, all officials have to go on now is circumstantial evidence, but that case continues to build. It is my belief that Celeste’s body will soon be uncovered and her family will soon have closure. Until then, we will continue to work to bring justice to her and her family.

Stand in Your Own Power

 

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This morning’s radio show was all about what it means to stand in your own power, and more specifically not allowing someone to take it away from you.  So many times we give our power and autonomy over to individuals who are not deserving of it.  We even do this for situations that may be entirely imaginary (“If I do ____, my family/friends/colleagues will____”).  Don’t be afraid to be authentic – it is the most natural expression of You.  When we expend our energy (or power) in covering up who we are, there is less energy (or power) to devote to living the divine expression of ourselves.  Just being yourself should be effortless; expressing your true self is where you use the energy.  But the best part is that this energy builds and builds.  Every time you choose to be You, you feed the energy back into Yourself, each time becoming more present and more powerful.  It is a positive feedback loop and the ultimate renewable energy source.  To hear more click here or on the link below.

Have a safe, healthy and happy Thanksgiving!  See you all on Monday, 11/27 for an all new radio show.

PS – You get bonus points if you get the totally nerdy 80′s reference in the photo above. 

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